new beginning.

time to start my life over again. 

I suppose beginning right away, but changes will start to take place tomorrow.

it is my mission to become a better person.

please pray for me while i am on this endeavor.

what are my goals?

1. first and foremost: happiness. not the kind on the outside, or the momentary thrills derived from sex, drugs, good food, nice hugs, etc. 

2. drink a lot of tea: i love tea. tea brings me joy. it's healthy, and calming. I have a feeling moving back in with my parents will bring more stress than I can handle. tea will help.

3. a job: i need one desperately if i ever hope to pay for college in september. Not tim horton's, or wendy's, or anything of the sort. the less mundane, the better. my brain is going to waste...

4. use my brain more: reading, writing, puzzles, whatever. I am 19. I should be smart. (I am decently smart, but I don't know much of anything). I think i'll pick up some old history text books, and read those. Not sure.

5. Get healthy: I have a free gift membership to Goodlife, so I need to take advantage of that. Plus my eating habits need to be corrected. My boobs and butt are shrinking. I want them back (I went from a full 32C to a small 32B...and my pants are falling down.) Maryanne noticed that I'm thinner than I was a couple of months ago, and is concerned for my well-being (as she should be.). I suppose with Dad's cooking, I'll gain some much needed weight back...so I'll have to balance that with my exercising, etc. I should run, too.

I think those are decent goals, for the short term, anyway. 

you never did.

how does love just disappear?

how can love just vanish?

how can feelings change in an instant?

how can people be so blind that they can't see what they're giving up?

how can we not know when we're making the biggest mistakes of our lives?

why doesn't anything make sense anymore?

i should have waited.

we should have waited.

to take the time to get to know one another.

to avoid all of this.

we should have taken the time before taking the leap.

i wasn't good enough for you and you would have known that if we'd taken the time.

the ground beneath me is crumbling, 

the world is falling apart before my very eyes.

nothing i can do will stop it,

i am powerless.

i can't wait to get out of this hell i am in.

My Love,

Today I determined that you are the most precious thing to me, and that if I were ever to lose you, I wouldn't want to carry  on.